A Salute to Ice Dancing, Institutionalized Face-Sitting on Skates

There are many sports in the Winter Olympics, all with varying
levels of sex appeal. Cross country skiing is on the lower end
of the spectrum, while luge (lube…) is all the way at the
top. But there is only one that makes me weep from three holes,
and that’s ice dancing.

On Sunday evening, Americans who tuned into NBC’s broadcast of
the Events at Pyeongchang were treated to a buffet of drama
served to you in flamboyantly be-studded lycra atop four
gleaming skates. And my loins were awakened for spring as I,
and my fellow Americans, discovered our new sexual orientation,
which is specifically having an athlete thrust me into the air
via my crotch pocket, while a mis-ordered “El Tango De
Roxanne/Come What May” mash-up plays.

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The XXII Winter Olympic Games—aka Pyeongchang 2018, aka
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Halt, before you ask—ice dancing is not figure
to 2018 Olympic ice dancer Evan Bates—it’s
something far sluttier. “We’re really more like ballroom
dancers,” he said. “We’re interpreting music, putting a lot of
emphasis on the connection between the couple and on the
connection to the music.”

Ice dancers are not judged by the height of their
flips or the speed of their spins like their figure skating
counterparts; instead, they’re judged by “how they move
together as one,” in other words, do you ice fuck good.

Take, for instance, the gold medal winners of the ice
fucklympics—the “not
” Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir, who performed such a
sensual routine to some Moulin Rouge classics that it included
an actual face sit.

Screenshot via YouTube.

But if it’s the sexiest of sport, what, then, do we do about
the Shib-sibs—Maia and Alex Shibutani, the American silver
medal winners and vlogging sibling duo? How am I to parse my
feelings for Virtue/Moir and Shibutani/Shibutani?

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Maia and Alex Shibutani stumble to silver
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Maia and Alex Shibutani earned 114.60 points for their free
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Moreover, how are we to regard the Shib-sibs in such a
sexually-resonant sport? Are they the wholesome, non-sensuality
fueled alternative to Virtue/Moir, produced for and by
Christian America? Will they ever win gold without the secret
spice of the ice-dancing duo (sex)? Can I just relax about it
and respect world-class athletes without having something
smart-assy to say about it? But weren’t you thinking it too?

But the Shibs are just a small logistical moral hiccup in an
otherwise unexpectedly exciting evening of ice play. I guess
this is my community now.

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