Hell Yes I Mangled Donald Trump’s Hand On Purpose, Macron Says

Image via screengrab

By this point, every world leader has heard tell of Donald
Trump and his infamous yanking handshake. It’s billed as a
power move, though my personal theory is that his hands are
just too small for individual finger control, and therefore
simply clamp onto their victims like a ribbon snake’s little
jaws clamp onto a guppy.

Newly-elected French President Emmanuel Macron was made aware of Trump’s
salutatory death roll ahead of their meeting in Brussels on
Thursday, and probably studied hours of previous Trump
handshake footage like a quarterback watches old game tape.
What resulted was this weird, prolonged tussle, mano-a-mano

God, that was like watching two squids mate. The best part
comes at the end, after Macron has finished pulverizing each of
Trump’s phalanges, when the American Meatloaf tries to pull his
decimated paw out of Macron’s iron grip. “Not now, ma
petite saucisse
,” Macron says with his eyes, holding on
tight. Eventually, after something like 20 hours of struggle,
the hands are released. The conclusion of the sit-down probably
saw them both retreat back to their corners for medical aid and
an ice bath, prizefighter-style.

Macron has confirmed to French media that the marathon hand
mambo was not an accident. You don’t say! From The Guardian:

“My handshake with him, it wasn’t innocent,” Macron told the
Journal du Dimanche on Sunday. “It’s not the be-all
and the end-all of a policy, but it was a moment of truth.”

The French president, who had never held elected office
before decisively defeating far-right leader Marine Le Pen in
this month’s runoff, added: “That’s how you ensure you are
respected. You have to show you won’t make small concessions
– not even symbolic ones.”

True, true. It’s hard to imagine that Trump’s hands are that
strong anyway, since it’s not like he exercises them or fills
his body with anything other than meat and heavy creams.

So what’s next for the handshake chronicles? No one knows for
sure, but I’d like to see Angela Merkel bite one of them off.

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