If the Bachelorette Can’t Make It to the Bachelorette Party, That’s Her Prob

Screengrab via Alexis Waters on Instagram.

From the hollow pageant of relationships that is the
Bachelor, we find answers to questions we’ve been
asking about bachelorette parties. Who are they for? Where do these rituals of
penis straws come from and what purpose do they fulfill in
officiating womanhood? Does anybody really enjoy them?

Like “Garfield Without Garfield,” this Us Weekly photo
gallery ‘Bachelor’ Stars Celebrate
Rachel Lindsay’s Engagement Without Her After She Misses Her
strips the bachelorette party to its essence: a
photo shoot. If that bitch can’t make it, too bad, because we
flew to the DR for this.

The gallery must include:

  • one photo of everyone jumping in the air at once
  • one image of everybody partially clothed, huddled and
    clinging together
  • one image of day drinking
  • independent photo opportunities for individual Instagrams
  • one drunk tweet
  • one comment from friend about how happy the bachelorette is

“She’s creepily happy,” Alexis Waters tells Us Weekly.
“Every time I hang out with her she’s talking about him 24/7 …
She’s in love.”

If you’re not feeling the wedding, skip.

Ashley Graham has posted a new Sports Illustrated
photo on Instagram in which she looks thinner, and in a
surprise to no one, she’s getting a million comments about her
weight. “Her initial message was be who you are and be happy in
your skin, she conformed which obviously means she wasn’t happy
in her skin,” one commenter writes. Another says she’s not
trying to be someone else; now she’s just a “strong and fit
size 14.”

Why is Stefano Gabana face timing topless with his mom?

  • Kate Beckinsale’s stalker, a man who has allegedly followed
    her around the country, touched her back, and threatened to
    stab her, was arrested at Comic Con. [TMZ]
  • Dr. Luke’s legal team has subpoenaed Lady Gaga to testify
    in his defamation suit against Kesha. Lady Gaga has been a
    Kesha supporter, and according to TMZ, Dr. Luke’s team is
    having their texts entered into evidence. [Us Weekly]
  • Check out Macaulay Culkin. [PageSix]

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