Just Use The Horse Shampoo
Image via Amazon and glitterphoto.net
Here’s the thing about head hair: You have to clean and
condition it all the time. It’s a mindless process that becomes
fairly annoying when, like me, you have long, thick hair.
There is an infinite number of options for shampooing and
conditioning, and I can say from experience that fancy hair
products really do make you look like a luxurious person who
may even have his or her life together.
But a woman must have a code, and my code is that when my hair
gets to that long-medium length (as it is now), I only use the
Fancy Shampoo for Special Occasions—that is, events where there
will be one of those nice, free photo booths, like the Deadspin
Otherwise, I tear through a $30+ bottle of shampoo in, like, a
week or a month, depending on how good I am at washing every
couple days, as is usually suggested for women or people with
very curly hair but is not always practical for people who have
bangs or short hair.
So, for the last 10 years or so of an intermittent long hair
experience, I have turned to the classic, the one and only:
Mane ‘n Tail.
It’s literally shampoo and conditioner that can be used for
horses or for people. I use the classic variety, but there are
alternative varieties aimed at the varying needs of human
hair. Most importantly, it gets the job done, and it’s cheap as
This is the right shampoo for me, a person who needs a lot of
it, and maybe it’s the right shampoo for you, a person who
might use a Dove shampoo and conditioner combo that comes in a
charcoal gray bottle and is aimed at the sensibilities of Men.
It’s the perfect product for people who want their hair to look
clean and moisturized, but don’t want to add it to the list of
things to think about for more than a couple minutes each day.
Some men, I think, feel this way. Maybe you are one of them?
Of course, the horse shampoo and conditioner is best for people
with straight or wavy hair, because it seems like my friends
with curls need Very Good conditioners and honestly, the Mane
‘n Tail conditioner is not that.
Both products are fairly gloopy. The shampoo looks like semen
and the conditioner is just kind of yellow and lifeless. It
doesn’t make my hair look spectacular, but it makes it clean.
It also frees me up to spend approximately $200 billion at
Sephora every year on skincare.
Anyway, check it out:
You can get this one-gallon jug of Mane ‘n Tail conditioner on
Jet.com (which is owned by Walmart, so don’t buy it there) for
$34.10. That’s cheap.
Here’s a combo pack of 32-oz bottles of shampoo and
conditioner on Amazon for $16.56.
Now, you might be saying to yourself, Lindsey, the Dove
2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner is $6.49 on Target.com. To
that I say: 2-in-1 hair products aren’t real. They are a sham
and a scam, and any rational person can and should look at
these 2-in-1 bottles and realize that shampoo and conditioner
do different things. The shampoo washes out naturally occurring
oils and everyday grime, and the conditioner ostensibly works
to restore some of that moisture you stripped away with the
dang shampoo. You can not remove something and add something in
opposition at the same time.
Just get the horse shampoo. You know it’s a novelty—perhaps you
and your guests will laugh together if they notice products
meant for horse hair in your bathroom—and maybe, if you choose
to live somewhere other than Manhattan (unlike me, an idiot),
you can just buy the gallon jugs of the stuff and put it in one
of the many closets in which you store your other Costco-style
bulk items. One million horses can’t be wrong.