Madonna And the Fat Jew: a Union of Debauchery Which Gladdens the Heart

Yeah, Madonna’s bandwagoning with every
singer/songwriter/actress/Kardashian to launch a beauty product
line, but I can get with this commercial which neither
terrifies me nor reminds me of my hideousness only fixable by
slathering my face with product named after a sexy tropical
fruit which will make me a bad bitch. No, instead she’s
anointed the Fat Jew to promote MDNA, a product which I think
you mist. They drink, she burps, she’s all like, “shit,” she’s
just like me, and together they’ll make questionable decisions
which they’ll forget by squirting rosé in their mouths. They
make a beautiful pairing, and I’ll watch the reality TV show
when that’s invented.

Here, for the great American bootstrapping celebrity hopeful,
is an alternative to putting out a sex tape: 1) prep hair and
makeup, 2) commit a crime, 3) send mugshot to TMZ. #this.

A man whom TMZ reports was arrested “on a meth charge” shares
the same age, height, and jawline as Ryan Seacrest. Have we
found the next potential #hotfelon?

Yes. Definitively yes.

Gigi Hadid stitched a rip in her pants in the car on her way to
the Milan Fendi show. This is astonishing news because it means
that Gigi Hadid either had matching pink thread and a needle
on-hand or an aide drove on a furious race to
double-park in front of some Italian embroidery shop, purchase,
and deliver these items in probably a window-to-window highway
hand-off time for Gigi Hadid to do this thing and post it to Instagram.

Information you now know, will certainly forget by the end of
today, but will accompany you in your subconscious throughout
the rest of your God-given life: Page Six reports that Kim
Kardashian was told during her first
that she was carrying a dead baby in her womb and
did so for days til her follow-up to remove the baby, when
doctors found a heartbeat after all. AH.

  • Scott Disick says on television that Kourtney only loves
    him when he’s a jerk to her. Maybe so. [Page Six]
  • Noteworthy disparity in headlines: “Stars who think bras
    are tops” by Fox News is retweeted by TMZ as “Alessandra
    Ambrosio Stuns In Tiny Sparkle Bra Top For Sexy Red Carpet
    Look,” is renamed by me as “photos of people liberated from
    shirts.” [TMZ]
  • Beyoncé has updated her wedding ring tattoo “IV,” matching
    with Jay-Z, signifying their birthdates and wedding (4/4, April
    4th), People reports. It now looks more like a sideways “J.”
  • Accompanying a photo of a very serious-looking Jerry Lewis
    is the news that he left nothing to his five sons from his
    first marriage. It all reportedly goes to his second wife
    SanDee and their daughter Danielle. [Page Six]

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