Ombré, Sequins, and Some Ombré Sequins for the First Two Days of Figure Skating at the Olympics!!

TFW you landed a triple axel at the freaking OLYMPICS and
are also wearing a very chill lucky red costume. Image: Getty

The XXII Winter Olympic Games—aka Pyeongchang
2018, aka Winter Sports are DOPE AS HELL—started off with a
bang on Friday with a
spectacular Opening Ceremony
that featured drones, small
children going on an epic journey, and a giant spring that
looked like a penis that lit the torch. Great! Fun! There has
been skiing, the biathlon (the one with the guns and the
skiing), snowboarding, speed skating, etc. All great sports to
watch, but lack the sartorial oomph that figure skating has in

Two days of figure skating have already elapsed—a whirlwind of
a weekend full of glitz, glamour, sequins, and unexpected
sensuality. Everyone skated GREAT and looked FABULOUS and I’m
so excited for the rest of this godforsaken sports spectacle!

YES. YES. OK. SURE. I’M INTO IT. Photos: Getty

These ice dancers are making similar sartorial statements:
dress the women in colors of tropical plants while the men
shine in all black, sheer panels, and sequins. Ronald
Zilberberg and Adel Tankova of Israel
do what I think
is a twizzle sequence, all the best to show off that Swarovski
stripe on Zilberberg’s blousy pant. The kicky orchid chiffon
paneling of Tankova’s costume is a little ‘90s prom dress, but
I like it. Same goes for Kavita Lorenz and Joti
Polizoakis of Germany;
Polizoakis chose a deep V for
his sheer-sleeved top and Lorenz is giving you a coral-red
caftan fantasy, but modified for performance!! I love
everything about Shiyue Wang’s sparkly-ass
bodice with the hot pink detailing and I appreciate her partner
Xinyu Liu’s sneaky flash in the top—just a few
sheer panels, nothing really crazy and then BAM chest BAM
Swarovski! Finally, Italy’s Anna Cappellini and Luca
stuck to the theme and are really just fine.

Fine, boring, sure, huh? Photo: Getty

Category is: Macy’s mother of the bride dresses, circa 2001. I
love the color choices on Marie-Jade
’s coral and purple eleganza, but wish her
partner Romain Le Gac’s top matched the purp
just a teeensy bit more. Alexa Scimeca Knierim
and her husband Chris Knierim are elegant but
slightly boring in tonal lavender and grey chiffon. This
burgundy halter neck situation on Meagan
is practical but not FUN and Eric
matching top is a sexy version of your
favorite interview blouse from Express. Finally, this white and
lilac softness from Natalia Zabiiako and Alexander
is also kind of boring—fun fact, that purple
bit of flair on Enbert’s shoulder was a surprise reveal during
their performance. Homage to
Violet Chachki’s iconic costume reveal
in season 8 of
RuPaul’s Drag Race? Maybe!!

ShibSIbs, a hot mess, a pizza parlor, whatever this is?
Image: Getty

The ShibSibs aka Alex and Maia Shibutani
decided to go with these relatively tame numbers; her dress is
fun and frothy but nothing to snap at and his top is a pleasant
but humdrum sequined nude. Miu Suzaki’s pink
dress needs more sequins or more skirt, I can’t decide which
and Ryuichi Kihara is dressed like a cater
waiter at a masquerade ball. Valentina Marchei
and Ondrej Hotarek look like the fanciest
strip mall pizza parlor. Finally, I don’t know what
Kana Muramoto and Chris Reed are going for
here, but his top looks like a thunderstorm and the colors of
her dress are a bit too muddled and slightly puke-y. Needs more
rhinestones if you ask me!!

SEX. YES. SLAY. SKATE. Photo: Getty

Scott Moir and Tessa Virtue are the sexiest
ice dancers in the entire world; every performance that they
did was essentially dangerous foreplay and they did it
looking! Like! This! Virtue loves a cutout and this red number
is very sensual. Moir is wearing a top that looks like a Nasty
Gal reject, but I love it anyway? Their black and gold sequined
fantasy is also quite excellent, cut high on the leg for Virtue
and embellished within an inch of its life for Moir. They are
racy and pervy and were basically fucking on the ice and I
LOVED every minute of it! Moir of this, please 😉

RED-Y STEADY GO. Photo: Getty

Happy lunar new year to you and yours, for red is a lucky color
and also looks damn good on camera. Here’s Carolina
in a fluffy burgundy number that nicely
matches her lipstick; Kaori Sakamoto’s
commitment to the cap sleeve is admirable, as is that bright
red overlay and tasteful sequins. This 15 year old savage
Alina Zagitova is out here in a red tutu with
gold everywhere, with her flesh colored skate tights pulled
OVER her skates, ready to give you long lies and higher degrees
of difficulty with every single turn. And Mirai
, my sweet queen, bedazzled her skates to match
her cheongsam-adjacent costume and I love her for that and
also for landing that triple axel!!


What about the men, you ask? Keiji Tanaka is
wearing a weird blazer/buttondown combo that again, gives cater
waiter vibes, but at Chuck E. Cheese this time around.
Patrick Chan’s cowl-neck maroon top isn’t
working for me, but at least he’s comfortable. Adam
ass is the star of this look, followed by
that TOP, which appears to be dripping in finesse and
rhinestones, looking like some updated Frozen merch,
but in a good way. Matteo Rizzo looks like a
“Soul Calibur 2″ character you select by accident that really
only has one sort of lame move—still, I respect it.


Call me basic, but I like this very staid mint and white
sequined costume from Dabin Choi—perhaps
because I’m here for a statement sleeve? Xiangning
needs more sequins to really make that ombré
nonsense stand out. Gabrielle Daleman’s look
is ombré done absolutely right—subtle but blingy and dare I
say, chic? Nicole Schott’s look reminds me a
teensy bit of Nancy Kerrigan; maybe it’s the long sleeves and
the high neck, or maybe it’s that this outfit is kind of

Hmm, sure, YES, ok! Photo: Getty

I love illusion netting and I will not be ashamed and that’s
why Bradie Tennell’s prom-dress thing works.
It’d work better if that embellishment was, say, GOLD, instead,
but never you mind. Kaetlyn Osmond’s choice to
wear sheer gloves is an interesting one, lending a bit of
musical theatre to an otherwise fine-enough chiffon’n’glitz
frock. God bless Mae Berenice Meite who came out in this
superhero-esque jumpsuit and did an entire program to Beyoncé.
And god BLESS Evgenia Medvedeva!! Her outfit
is kinda blah—sequins, okay, ombré sure—but she skates like a
fucking demon and the little package NBC put together before
she performed gave me the impression that she’s a raver? I
don’t know, I love her!!

Honestly, everyone looked great and did even better. Please
stare at this photo of Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir practically
mid-coitus. O CANADA INDEED!!

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