On the Real Housewives of New York, Vermont Is For Yelling at Tinsley Mortimer

Image via Bravo

At some point, the Real Housewives of New York
producers must have realized the best way to drive these women
crazy is to lock them in a large luxury home, somewhere in the
woods, preferably during the winter. This week, everyone packed
their ridiculous boots and handles of Tito’s vodka and headed
to Vermont, because if it ain’t broke…

However, before we get to Vermont, the episode begins with
Bethenny making everyone go to the Bronx because she likes
to inconvenience these Upper East Side prima donnas and show
everyone how real and edgy she is
they have good Italian
food. Tinsley comes dressed for a tea party hosted by an
Instagram-era Eloise, Ramona wasn’t invited and Dorinda shows
up still hammered from the night before, which she soothes with
white wine.

Oh Dorinda. I very much enjoy Dorinda, but this woman makes me
question my decision to consume alcohol. Drunk Dorinda just
makes me think: “Good lord, is there any chance I
could ever look and sound like that?” It’s almost enough to
make a girl pour her rosé down the drain—but only almost.

Somehow, the topic of Tipsy Girl comes up and Sonja claims Dorinda
wanted to get in on the venture, which is probably a lie. Of
course, instead of saying something like: No Sonja, I never
had any interest in being a part of your phantom prosecco line
and absolutely nobody would believe otherwise
, Drunk
Dorinda lashed out like only she can.

Obviously the best part of this is Dorinda screaming “CLIP”
over and over again like that means something. (A close second
is Luann up and leaving the table when she can’t get Dorinda to
stop screaming.) The thing about Dorinda is she’s in the right
quite often, but descends into a foul-mouthed sorority rusher
much too quickly. Even with her calm, rather elegant talking
heads, it’s hard to shake the image of her thrusting her vagina
at the table.

Eventually, the ladies head out for this rather
speedily-planned trip to Vermont. Bethenny is already on edge
because she’s always on edge. Dorinda forgot all her luggage
because she had a quickie with John (GROSS SORRY). And Ramona
still needs three people to help her compose a text message.

When Ramona and Sonja show up they do that stupid, obnoxious
room thing for the 3,457th time and I’m glad both Dorinda and
Carole held their ground. You’ll be fine without a double sink,
bitches! At least Sonja admits that, at this point, they just
go through the whole song and dance to mess with people, which
is funny because it’s incredibly effective.

The evening gets started and Ramona and Luann enjoy a leisurely
game of ping pong while they discuss Bethenny YET AGAIN. As an
aside, I weirdly enjoy their “friendship” becuase they truly
are well-matched in many ways. Largely, they’re both
insufferable snobs. Also, Ramona says terrible things to and
about people and then wants them to forgive her. Luann
constantly lies to everyone and then wants them to overlook it.
What works is that they’re both willing, at a certain point, to
do that for each other. Luann will forgive Ramona for calling
her a bad mother and Ramona will eventually stop talking about
Luann’s sham of marriage. A match made in delusional heaven.

While we’re talking about marriage and bedrooms, let’s discuss
Luann, who recently got married for the second time, and for
that reason, feels she should get the best room in the house.
You have to admit, that line of logic is pretty goddamn
incredible. Oh sure, yeah. That makes total sense, girl. Why
wouldn’t the Matron Bride of Connecticut get the best
room a month after her wedding? Really, it seems like someone
forgot they’re not longer a Countess!

Screenshot via Bravo

I should move on but I really do need to say something. I know
Luann does not reside in reality and will not read this, but on
the slim chance she does or if even just one of you watched
that clip and thought, well she does kind of have a
point
, let me say: Nobody, but nobody, gives a shit about
your wedding. Nobody really cares that you got married. I mean,
they kinda care. They care to the extent that they have to
spend money to celebrate you getting married. But they don’t
really care. Please keep that with you forever.

Dinner finally begins, and it’s the Tinsley’s Life Sucks Show.
We’ve spent most of the season waiting for Tinsley to come out and be
interesting and I guess this was her moment. The rumor was that
Tinsely’s would be a slow burn and she’d get better as the
season progressed and I guess “get better” meant: get drunk and
cry.

To be fair, she’s had a good amount of shit to deal for someone
who has health, wealth and white privilege. Her father died
rather recently, and she got arrested as the result of a
relationship that was both physically and mentally abusive.
Then, after all that, she packs up her shit in Palm Beach and
relocates to Sonja’s crotchety townhouse.

It was difficult to even follow what everyone was yelling
about. It all starts with everyone comforting Tinsley as she
cries about not having a husband (though she is looking for a
non-WASP and maybe a Jew to marry), but quickly descends into
Bethenny yelling at her.

Dorinda comes in with the line of the night, alleging that
there’s “chaos in the townhouse” as everyone encourages Tinsley
to get the fuck up out of Sonja’s home. Sonja seems to feel
that, because Tinsley is crashing with her, it her duty to help
her reenter New York society because it’s 1934. The result is
she feels comfortable passing judgement on Tinsley’s life
decisions while Tinsley sits 4 inches away

I don’t know. I really don’t know. I have to believe something
was edited out because the progression of that conversation
made little sense. Then, it ended just as confusingly as it
began. This was no Berkshires Trip—round 1 or 2—but Vermont has satisfied me
and I truly cannot wait to hear what else Luann, the Newly
Wedded Former Countess, thinks she deserves for hitching
herself to a man who, according to Dorinda in the preview of
next week’s episode, “was out there fucking other people.”
Vermont is for Housewives.

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