Rosé Should Be a Beverage and Nothing More

On this summer afternoon, I urge you to consider the following:
rosé is an alcoholic beverage and should remain that way.

It seems silly to harp on what should be a widely-accepted
fact, but various products in the lifestyle space have forced
me to take a hard stance. Rosé and its accepted variation,
frosé, is wine, best enjoyed
in the vessel of your choice. I like mine in a pint glass with
ice and a dash of seltzer, if I’m being honest, but I’m not an
oenophile and will not pretend to be! Even so, I know in my
heart of hearts that rosé is nothing other than a refreshing
summertime beverage that can be enjoyed into the fall if you
desire.

Despite understanding the true nature of rosé, I feel it’s
important to reassert this truth in the face of the fradulent
rosé-adjacent products that have recently become popular.
There’s rosé ice cream, which tastes
like “sweet, slightly fruity ice cream” with “a strong taste of
rosé”—essentially strawberry ice cream with a weird, wine-y
aftertaste. There are rosé gummies and rosé doughnuts, both of
which are readily available in many other flavors that are far
superior to whatever abomination artificial wine tastes like.
If you want to really embrace that Rosé Lyfe, feel free to swab
rosé-scented deodorant under
your arms and dress your body in any of these horrible garments that scream your
affection for freaking pink wine loud and clear.

What does rosé smell like? What does it taste like? Wine. It
smells and tastes like wine, because it is wine. It
belongs in a glass, consumed on a fetid summer day from the
privacy of your own home or in the confines of an air
conditioned bar.

Don’t do this. Put that rosé lip balm down. Remove the tank top
that screams your allegiance to the Rosé Lifestyle from your
online shopping cart and close the tab. Drink your rosé! That’s
what it’s there for.

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