Scooby Doo, Kris Jenner, Beyoncé Were Write-In Candidates for Alabama Senate Seat
Kris Jenner, Senate candidate. Image via Getty.
Alabama voters spoke loud and clear earlier this month when
they defied party allegiance to reject a man accused of serial
child molestation. But there was a small contingent of write-in
voters who also made their voices heard, and they said: fuck
They’re among the approximately 22,800 voters whose write-in
candidates are logged in the Alabama State
election archives, sprinkled with a colorful cast of
distinguished folks such as Kerry Underwood [sic], Mickey Mouse
(a popular write-in), Jesus Christ, and Santa Claus.
Consider, for a moment, what they’re proposing; this is not
just about the candidates such as “Mmm Egg,” Bugs Bunny,
Matthew McConaughey, Sponge Bob Square Pants [sic], and “No
One,” “None,” “Nope,” “Not These Two.” These voters imagine an
election system where we substitute the two party system for a
raffle: no empty promises, no super PACs, no collusion. A world
in which people like Jake, Your Mom, and “Somebody Else” share
even odds of representing the American people as Kris Jenner,
Beyoncé, and Matthew McConaughey (all write-ins).
Consider the lone howl into the winds of moral despair by the
person who chose: “Someone With Integrity.” The acknowledgement
that our election system favors only wealthy insiders with:
“Me.” The mind-numbing shilling of party lines with:
“Robocall.” Infer what you will from other notables such as Mel
Brooks, Bozo the Clown, Any Other Republican, Beaslbob [sic],
Elmer Fudd, Donald Duck, XYZ, Peyton Manning, Pepe Le Pew,
Santa, Snow White, Kermit the Frog, Red Squirrel, Tim Tebow,
Clint Eastwood (popular), Snoopy, Ronald Reagan, Donald Duck,
Vladimir Putin, Whiskers the Cat, Do Not Fill Position Leave
the Seat Open, and Ben Aflac [sic].
We can do better, they say.
Kudos to the man or woman who stood in line at their polling
place to cast their vote for “Dumb Asses.”