Some Suggestions for What To Do With All Those Leftover Hot Dogs

Image via AP.

Hey, what’s the weather outside your window like? Where I live,
in New York next to a trash truck depot, it’s terrible and cold
and raining. It looks like parts of the south have been
visited by similar bad luck, which really makes you wonder:
What are you going to do with all those hot dogs?

First off, why did you buy so many hot dogs? Eight of
the 20 people you invited to your cook-out are vegan; the other
half already ate before they got to your place. Brittany
brought her own single chicken breast, which is weird but it’s
her life I guess. Then the rains came and forced everyone
inside, and the upshot is that now you’re alone, in your
apartment, surrounded by a whole platoon of uncooked hot dogs.
Okay. What should we do now? Well, I’ll tell you.

Hot Dog Fight

You haven’t lived until you’ve been pummeled by a fusillade of
hot dogs raining upon you in an open field. The hot dogs sting
as they slap your face, but you take little notice—you’re too
busy returning fire. When you need a snack, simply snatch one
out of the air and take a bite. Delicious.

Capture the Flag

The hot dog is the flag.

Hot Dog Shake

Step One: Blend the hot dog.

Step Two: Also blend the condiments, bun.

Step Three: Pour into a glass.

Step Four: Bottom’s up!

Step Five: ??

Fake Cigar

Ha ha! The laughs you’ll get when they discover it’s a hot


Among the many misconceptions surrounding hot dogs is the idea
that they don’t make elegant garnishes. They do. They make
lovely garnishes. Lots of people (MARTHA) will tell
you to settle for a drizzle of olive oil; a dusting of chives;
a sprig of parsley. Buck convention, I shriek! Throw the sprig
in the trash, the chives out the window, the olive oil in the
fire! Be bold! Chop the hot dog up and arrange it along plate’s
edge, or dump it there whole. The world is your hot dog, and
the only limit is your mind (and hot dog supply).


The Flower Industrial Complex wants you to think daffodils are
the only thing that look beautiful in a vase of water. You know
better. Next Mother’s Day, treat mom to what she
really wants: A bundle of moldering, processed meat
tubes, bound together with a ribbon. You’re welcome.


String the ‘dogs together using a needle and thread, and loop
them around your waist. Wow, you look great. Alternatively, you
can also fashion your string of hot dogs into a lasso to
wrangle the haters.

That’s all. That’s everything you can do with a hot dog.
Anything else is gross or illegal.

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