Trump Can’t Tell Women Apart Because He Is Actually a Blind Carnivorous Cave Zombie From The Descent

Image via The Descent/screengrab

In 2005, British director Neil Marshall created a movie called
The Descent, in which a group of friends become
trapped in a cave with what they eventually realize are eyeless
subterranean humanoids with a desperate craving for their
terrified flesh. But what the ruthless ghouls lack in sight,
they make up for in sense of smell, meaning they’re more than
worthy adversaries for the women who have mistakenly stumbled
into their turf.

I bring this up now because Donald Trump today made clear that
he is indeed of the same species as the slimy blind goblins, a
fact he confirmed after confusing two Finnish journalists who
happened to be sitting next to each other during a press
conference with President Sauli Niinistö. At the conclusion of
the conference, Niinistö took a final question from a reporter.
Trump, ever the arbiter of fairness and equality, expressed
concern that Niinistö was calling upon one of the women for a
second time:

“Again? You’re going to give her the same one?” Trump said

“No, she is not the same lady,” Niinistö answered. “They are
sitting side by side.”

“We have a lot of blonde women in Finland,” the journalist
asking the question said as she took the mic for the first

Some have passed off Trump’s inability to distinguish the women
as eclipse blindness or
idiocy, but the truth is
that, like most troglodytic beings, he has simply lost his
ability to see thanks to thousands of years of evolution. Like
his celluloid brethren, he relies instead on a highly
discerning nose and sensitivity to movement to capture his
prey. [Warning: I may have a childlike threshold for terror, but this is
legit harrowing.]

If you’re thinking that these creatures appear much more svelte
and agile than Trump, that’s due simply to his distaste for
physical exertion. Trust me,
if you planted one of them in a chair in front of Fox News and
kept it on a steady diet of KFC and overcooked steaks for 20
years or so, I promise you they’d be virtually

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