Vanderpump Rules Is Back, and the Plot Lines Are Thicker Than Ever

Screenshot via Bravo.

The Christmas lights are sparkling, there’s a chill in the air,
and my mother just sent me a large $14.99 dreidel ornament.
Yes—it is time, my good friends, to get back in the saddle for
Season 6 of Vanderpump Rules. That’s right, my fellow
PumpHeads, there have been six glorious seasons of this awful
mess.

If you’re somehow just tuning in, here’s the gist: we’ve got a
bunch of cruel, morally compromised servers at West Hollywood’s
own SUR Restaurant and Lounge, which stands for Sexy Unique
Restaurant Restaurant and Lounge. They work for Lisa
Vanderpump, grand doyenne of The Real Housewives of Beverly
Hills.
At this point, everyone on the show has been on a
popular Bravo reality show for years, and this means: 1)
they’re not 24 anymore, and many are now facing challenges that
include alcohol bloat, bad fillers, and
podcast scandals
; 2) none of them technically need to work
at a restaurant anymore; 3) but they still do, which is
actually a pretty great business model for SUR, a technically
subpar restaurant whose customers (disclosure: I have been a
customer) are largely Bravo tourists hoping to get a strawberry
mojito mixed by Jax himself.

Since Pump Rules has been around the block more than a
few times, and exhausted many of the original dramas that
punctured this friend group, Season 6 will—if the premiere is
any indication—be filled with a series of
not-particularly-authentic-seeming plot lines. Which is fine, I
guess. As you’ll notice, I’m still watching it.

1. Katie is not invited to Scheana’s masquerade birthday party

Scheana has broken off from the world’s most embarrassing girl
gang for the… somethingth… time. What happened, according
to Scheana, is that “it got back to Katie that I said she had
no friends. I meant it as a compliment, she took it as an
insult.” Weird! Katie, who is known on this show for showering
her friends and husband with abusive text messages and then
never apologizing, texted something mean to Scheana when she
heard about this, and now Scheana is no longer friends with
Stassi and Katie. It’s unclear how Kristen fits in here,
because she had barely any screen time this episode—a huge
mistake that I trust Bravo will soon rectify.

Screenshot via Bravo.

Because we’re makin’ good TV here, baby, this means that
Scheana, a 32-year-old divorcée, must tell Katie to her face
that she is not welcome at her masquerade birthday party.

“One minute I thought she was one of my closest friends, she
was a bridesmaid in my wedding for god’s sakes,” Katie intones
multiple times during this episode. How will this tragedy
resolve itself? Only time will tell.

2. Tom Sandoval and Tom Schwartz are investing in Lisa’s new
restaurant, “Tom Tom”

Ugh, I’m so bored by this one. Lisa is giving the Toms their
own restaurant, presumably to set up a future spinoff. Tom
Sandoval immediately screws it up by talking shit about the
Vanderpumps within their earshot. Will Lisa and Ken kick their
new restaurant’s doofy namesakes to the curb? Will Tom
Sandoval, who went on a “business trip” to Colorado with his
friends to test marijuana products (“I thought they were going
to teach us how to put THC into drinks in a way that would be
legal, but it turns out you can’t”) be the most obnoxious
business partner in the entire world? I’ll just go ahead and
say: no and yes.

3. James loudly hints that he is cheating on his girlfriend
with a man

DJ James Kennedy, a slurry, demonic gadfly and truly awful DJ,
has set up a sweet little plot for himself wherein he develops
an ostentatiously sexual friendship with a gay man while
juggling Raquel, his long-distance girlfriend whom he
definitely loves a lot. It’s all very heavy-handed and weird,
with jokes about “cum stains” on the rug and pictures of the
two of them in bathrobes together. I don’t know!

4. Scheana sucks (still)

Screenshot via Bravo.

Scheana is totally over her ex-husband Michael “Shay” Shay and
is simply waiting for divorce proceedings to finalize so she
can marry her rebound Rob, whom she tastefully describes as
“bigger and better.” She also has a large portrait of herself
hanging in front of her bed. This portrait is taken from her
“good side,” the only side from which Scheana allows herself to
be photographed.

5. Jax cheated on Brittany

And now, for the main event: Jax cheated on Brittany, his
girlfriend of two years who moved to LA from Kentucky to be
with him after they met on Instagram. After a rocky time on

Jax and Brittany Take Kentucky
, an objectively terrible
mini-spinoff in which Jax alternated between planning to
propose to Brittany and verbally abusing her entire family, Jax
allegedly had sex with Faith, a former SUR server, while she
was working as a home nurse for a 95-year-old woman. Like, in
that woman’s home while she was asleep. Faith then tells DJ
James Kennedy that her period is late.

The whole drama comes to light at Scheana’s masquerade birthday
party (to which Scheana, unrelatedly, wore a full ballgown).
Brittany threatens to leave Jax and “take the dogs.” Here’s
Lisa absorbing the news:

Screenshot via Bravo.

And here’s me thinking excitedly about the upcoming season of
Vanderpump Rules:

Screenshot via Bravo.

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