Would You Do It With the Fish Man?
Image via Fox Searchlight.
As Guillermo del Toro’s The Shape of Water churns
through the awards circuit, an unanswered question has been
left lingering in the air, swirling and winking around like a
constellation of magical blue lights. Would you bang the fish
According to Sally Hawkins’ character in The Shape of
Water, fish man is a good lay. On the other hand, he eats
cats and has the face of a more water-oriented Voldermort. On
the third hand, would you honestly turn down a literal
god if he initiated a moment of intimacy?
Hm, I dunno…
That being said…
This question rocked the Jezebel staff, sending shockwaves from
our Manhattan office all the way to Taiwan, where staff writer
Megan Reynolds logged on to say:
“Hey girl just weighing in from last day of vacation I WOULD
NOT fuck the fish man I am unclear about his genital situation
and he might be slimy!!!!”
I envy Megan’s sense of clarity. I do not share it. Below is an
exclusive look at Jezebel’s symposium on the matter of whether
or not we would fuck the fish man:
Joanna Rothkopf: I for one am a definite yes.
Ellie Shechet: I am waffling.
Kelly Faircloth: If I lived in that town I
Joanna Rothkopf: Yeah, I mean, I wouldn’t do a
long distance thing.
Kelly Faircloth: Actually wait, it’s Baltimore
not some one-horse town so I guess my pickings are probably not
Clover Hope: Yes. Because I’m really curious.
Julianne Escobedo Shepherd: I absolutely would
not but I feel confused whether it is bestiality because fish
man can consent and did.
Joanna: The fish man is a god of course he can
Ellie: Was he hotter by the end of the movie
or was it my imagination? He seemed more “man-like.”
Joanna: He was hot.
Kelly: Lots of extremely adventurous Kindle
unlimited novels have conditioned me to say: yes, probably.
Julianne: I don’t believe in gods.
Lindsey Adler: Yeah I need to know more about
the local offerings of not-fish.
Joanna: His penis is also a retractable
Lindsey: And also I’d need to see the dick.
Madeleine Davies: I Would the fish god before
I Would the actor who played the fish god.
Ellie: I would if he like, fixed all my flaws.
Joanna: Yeah he would put his fish hand on my
abs and give me a 6-pack.
Julianne: Charles would you fuck the fish man?
Charles Pulliam-Moore: No.
Clover: That one line about the retractable
penis made me very curious.
Lindsey: SAME CLOVER. I need to know the
Kelly: I mean sometimes it’s worth taking the
dick for a spin because if nothing else you get a good story.
Madeleine: I Would the fish man. In water, but
not out of water.
Lindsey: It might make for good blog content
Joanna: Look at those arms.
Kelly: Try anything once, that’s what I say.
Aimee: I bet he’s incredible and he can hold
his breath underwater…for a long time…so you know what that
Jennifer Perry: Hell—to the naw.
Stassa Edwards: I would not because it seems
too challenging and I’m old.
Phoebe Bradford: He’s got a nice fish bod so
Aimee: (oral sex)
Madeleine: I wouldn’t want to do the fishman
on dry land.
Jennifer: *plucks scales from pubes*
Madeleine: But in a pond or hot tub? Sure.
Stassa: What does fish man smell like?
Kelly: The OPEN OCEAN, Stassa.
Joanna: Maddie he wouldn’t want to do you on
dry land FWIW. He couldn’t survive.
Kelly: He smells like SALTY FREEDOM.
Stassa: Which ocean, Kelly?
Aimee: He wouldn’t die for it.
Madeleine: Oh HE’D DIE 4 IT, ALRIGHT.
Kelly: (I mean realistically he probably
smells like the pile of oyster shells outside a gulf coast
Aimee: Would U let the fishman die mid-coitus
Lindsey: Yeah what is the UTI situation?
Ellie: I would only be attracted to him in his
natural context of water.
Joanna: I have also heard having sex in the
pool is bad.
Aimee: Honestly, a woman only gets so many
opportunities to make love to a magical half man half beast. I
already said no to that centaur… this would be my chance.
Clover: Wouldn’t you feel good if after you
did it on land, he died. Like because it was good.
Julianne: Omg right think about the STIs you
could get from fish god.
Joanna: He would cure them all!!!
Aimee: You never have to use condoms with
Julianne: Also can fish man impregnate you??
Lindsey: In a world where you can fuck a
fish…do UTIs exist?
Joanna: He is an infinity supply of
Ellie: I Would get pregnant with fishman’s
baby. Just to see what comes of it.
Aimee: That’s a very different Q.
Ellie: Yeah but it’s related.
Joanna: “To see what comes of it” …brave.
Stassa: How would you raise a baby in the
Aimee: I will not stop my life and my CAREER
to spawn a bunch of fish babes.
Stassa: Would you have to like clean a tank?
Ellie: I’d cross that bridge when I came to
Stassa: Mom Ellie, scrubbing a fish tank
everyday for her hybrid babies.
Julianne: I wonder if you get preg with fish
man he would have to turn you into a fish woman so you didn’t
die, like Bella in Twilight.
Julianne: Would you lay eggs?
Kelly: Okay this is where I absolutely want to
get off the fuck bus.
Stassa: Too late Kelly, embrace your SALTY
Madeleine: Kelly, please hold the door for me.
Madeleine: When reading Harry Potter,
did you ever wonder how Hagrid’s dad fucked a giant?
Joanna: No Maddie I didn’t.
Joanna: But now I do!
Rich: Ok, yes Ellie. Just for the story, and
to see the dick. What’s the dick like? But it wouldn’t be a
romantic scenario at all. We would strictly be using each
Clover: He’s very romantic though. Doesn’t
Rich: Well, he’s just gonna have to turn off
that stream with me.
Joanna: The D is a retractable telescope…
Joanna: And he lives in a tank
Joanna: And he’s green with powers.
Joanna: = 3 ingredients for a dream man.
Anyway. What do you think?
Last time on Would U?,
we asked: Would you have sex to Jared and Ivanka’s (possible)
21-minute fuck playlist? 5% answered “Yeah,
sure, why not?”; 18% said “No, but I guess I
would give a sad handjob to this”; 36% said
“If by ‘sex’ you mean ‘weep silently in my partner’s
lap’…then yes”; and 41% said “Fuck